Aimless Progression

Hello Everyone!

Been feeling like a bit of a broken record saying this, but this year has felt particularly exhausting when it comes to trying to return to a sense of normalcy and routine. It’s felt like any work that I’ve done this year has been rather aimless in what I’ve been working towards. That might sound strange, but after realizing I needed to rewrite the majority of what I’ve written, I understood what I was doing. I was forcing myself to work for the sake of trying to show that I’ve done something rather than moving forward with my goals.

Now I know that sounds strange to say but it was a realization I had last week. When I thought about what I had accomplished this year, it’s not like it was nothing at all but it didn’t quite feel substantial. A third of my book is still something I was happy with and something I can keep. But what I realized while reviewing what I had written was that I hadn’t put enough thought into it. I was writing for the sake of pushing the plot forward and trying to fill space rather than telling an engaging story with endearing characters. In an ironic twist, I was becoming the kind of author I never wanted to be.

Life is hard and it can be difficult to feel happy with the progress made. I know for myself I feel miserable thinking about what I had accomplished this year. That being said, I think it would be unfair for us to be so harsh on ourselves for a year that was so tumultuous. I often tell my friends that the last two years could be considered a write-off considering all we’ve been through, but looking back on it I don’t think that’s a fair assessment. Closer to the end of the December I’ll write a lengthier review of the year, but the truth is I feel that the past two years have been a period of growth, just one we haven’t anticipated. While it’s not a matter of progression we might have wanted or focused on, I feel that we’ve changed in a way that we may need to review.

Personally, I know I’ve picked up some habits that I didn’t want and I know are detriments to my workflow. But, in a weird way, I’ve realized that I’ve grown to understand just what the unhealthy habits I’ve picked up are and why they affect me so negatively. It’s not so much that the habits are that bad, it’s more my interaction with them and my inability to not let it affect my life in negative ways.

I know this feels like a bit of a ramble, but it’s some thoughts that have been bothering me for a while. Life is constant growth and sometimes in ways we don’t expect or don’t want. I’m not abandoning my dreams and goals, it’s just getting there has taken a different route I need to learn to navigate.

Thanks for sticking with me through this strange period of growth!

– Raphael

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